• Everything you need to know about the man who turned balls into cats

    Shovon Chowdhury


    shovon2Images courtesy http://www.vikrmn.com/2015/11/sanskarijamesbond-memes-vikrmn-guruwithguitar.html

    This is a time when all citizens need to be alert and attentive. The government is issuing many guidelines. The police are extremely active. We have fallen far, and there is much work to be done. No government tool is being left unused in order to uplift us. Led by Pahlaj Nihalani, the Censor Board is at the forefront of this battle. It is important to study their activities in order to understand what the government expects of us. So far we have understood that a) when kissing someone, we should not spend more than twenty seconds and b) the word “balls” should not be used. Instead, we should be using the word “cats”, as in “Papa! Sonu hit me in the cats with his cricket bat!” or “Cover your cats! Githa is carrying a walking stick!”

    Who is the man who made this decision? What can we learn from his life and work? In order to be better citizens, we must study this, because it is only through study that we can achieve understanding. The first point to note is that he is the younger brother of Govind Nihalani. Govind Nihalani rarely mentions this, but we felt that he would want you to know. What else do we know about him? Since he has been much in the news, it is important to separate fact from fiction. For example, it is completely untrue that the PM tried to throttle him with his bare hands after watching his tribute film, which most people mistook for a parody, which is why Sooraj Barjatya is also upset, because it was never his intention to ridicule the PM. All he wanted was to be a vehicle for his chest. Instead, it’s now only a matter of time before he is raided by the Enforcement Directorate, because the chest never forgets. But all this is beside the point. The point is that this man is guiding us. Let us explore him.

    First, let us look at his work. This is very rewarding. By doing so, we immediately gain better understanding of kissing guidelines. From a swimming pool sequence in his motion picture Aag Ka Gola, we are able to see that kissing for more than twenty seconds is in fact permissible, but only if both parties are in a swimming pool, with at least fifty per cent of their bodies under water. There may have been other lessons to draw from this scene, but we were unable to tell, as it features Archana Pooran Singh in a bikini.

    Which brings us to sexual activity. Our government in particular and society at large are much concerned about sexual activity. The Chief Censor’s work provides us guidelines about this as well. In the super hit motion picture Aankhen, we see two gents and two ladies enter a car. We see the car bouncing up and down. We see the two gents come out with satisfied grins, while the two ladies stand on the street, adjusting their clothing. From this we can gather that it is OK for us to publicly show what happens before sex, and after sex, but not the activity itself. However, the results of the activity, such as a bouncing car, may be shown. This is a very complex and nuanced guideline, which needs to be carefully appreciated.

    While we do not sing to people often in real life, sometimes the occasion may arise. While singing, there is always a danger that lyrically we may go too far. In this respect, we learn much from his song “Khadahai! Khadahai!” (“It is standing! It is standing!”), in which a gent informs a lady of his situation, followed by subsequent requests to “open the door”. It tells us that while we may discuss the condition of our equipment, we should not over-specify regarding usage. Also, like the Indus Valley script, we are gradually deciphering the code. We have already seen that we have to use the word “cats” to describe the naughty bits of men folk. For women, the term is “door”. So whatever else happens, if our nation is to be uplifted morally, we need to keep cats away from doors.

    What else can we learn from him? Part of his message can be understood from his work, as listed above. More can be learnt from his sayings. Fortunately for us, he has never been reluctant to speak. When confronted with the special film that he made for the PM, he has said ‘If this is chamchagiri, I am proud of it.’ He has also said that “India is a land where people put gangajal on their face”. From this we can see that we must be extremely respectful and bathe in holy water.

    However, his most recent guidelines are a matter of concern. In response to criticism of his kissing rules, he has said “This means you want to do sex in your house with your door open. And show people the way you are doing sex.” Earlier, another member of the censor board has suggested that Karan Johar should do sex in front of his mother. This is naturally leading to some confusion. It contradicts earlier analysis. Should we not be doing sex inside bouncing cars? Are we now required to do it publicly? Is this compulsory, or an optional extra? Patriotic citizens are on the horns of a dilemma. However, in the interests of good governance, and preventing police raids, you should probably keep a light on in the bedroom window, and make sure the curtains are flung wide.

    Shovon Chowdhury’s new novel, Murder with Bengali Characteristics, is set in a future Calcutta occupied by China.

    Links for Further Study (Guarantees minimum one hour of entertainment)













    Donate to the Indian Writers' Forum, a public trust that belongs to all of us.