Why condoms are bad for the country and why banning their ads was a good decision
An exposé on condoms
December 13, 2017
I thought Wednesday was going to be an easy day, a light day, a nice day—in short, a day I wouldn’t have to meet too many deadlines. But what do I find out the moment I step into office? “You’ve got to write a piece on the condom ad ban, man. Needs to go up today.”
So here I am, and here you are.
Now, to clarify, the Information and Broadcasting Ministry (IB Ministry) hasn’t banned condom advertisements entirely. They’ve just been banned from being aired on television between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m. Apparently, this has been done so that “the children” may not be exposed to them.
Brilliant, I say! Ban them all! How dare they expose our children to the idea of sex! The poor cuties believe that they’re a gift from the Almighty to dear Mummy and Daddy.
But some people just don’t want our children to be happy. Look at these libturds, for instance. They insist that there’s nothing wrong with the idea of informing children about sex and safe sex practices, like using condoms. Nothing wrong with it? Are you kidding me? These ads are the reason most young girls find out about condoms. And then, these girls go and insist that the men they sleep with wear condoms. Who are these men? Your children! Yes, libturds, you just ruined sex for your children. Because anyone who has done it will tell you that sex is more fun without condoms.
What’s that? Oh, just stop with the STI warnings already! You want to avoid getting STI? Just don’t have sex, period. In any case, condoms are only 95% effective. What about the other 5%, huh? You’re going to put your sons through the torture of wearing condoms during sex for the sake of that slim 95%? What kind of barbarians are you!
The folks at the IB Ministry are visionaries, really, and must be congratulated as such. They realised that the present day children are also going to have sex, sometime in the future. And what’s going to spoil their enjoyment? Condoms. This is what they were referring to when they said that these ads could promote “unhealthy practices” among children.
In fact, it’s not just the present day children they’re looking out for. They are also looking out for all the Hind-, I mean, Indians in 2233 AD. That is the year when the Muslim population will equal the Hindu population of the nation, at least according to those Scroll wallahs. How will Modi ji win elections then? How will Mohan Bhagwat impart his pearls of wisdom then? What will the Bhakts do then? But we needn’t give ourselves a headache over these worries. The IB Ministry’s ban has laid them all to rest. Now, fewer and fewer people will use condoms, leading to an exponential rise in the Hindu population. What a fantastic solution! The folks at IB Ministry are such forward thinkers, really.
But it’s not all celebration, of course. Our enlightened side will have to bear some heavy losses. For instance, we will no longer require the services of Gyandev Ahuja—mathematician extraordinaire, and a Bhartiya Janata Party MLA from Rajasthan. Thanks to this man’s genius, last year, we had shown those dense, jhola-carrying JNU students who was the boss.
Oh well. You win some, you lose some.
I must say, the present government is a gift that keeps on giving. I just hope they take more such brilliant decisions.Disclaimer: The views expressed in this article are the writer's own, and do not necessarily represent the views of the Indian Writers' Forum.
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